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Thread: Adult Nasty Jokes

  1. #31
    Slow Ride
    Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in ENGINEERING, but aren't:
    Did you order enough 2-inch nipples?
    Shaft alignment is critical.
    How'd your penetration test turn out?
    Did you have an unplanned release?
    Did your reliefs blow at the right pressure?
    There was a crack in the girth?
    We're gonna pump it 'till it fractures, then fill it full of propellant.
    We circulated fluid on the backside.
    POOH - Pulled Out Of Hole

    And the number one thing that sounds dirty in ENGINEERING, but isn't:
    Are you getting enough head?

    Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in THE OFFICE, but aren't:
    I need to whip it out by 5.
    Mind if I use your laptop?
    Just stick it in my box.
    If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
    I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
    HMMMMM ... I think it's out of fluid!
    My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
    It's an entry-level position.
    When do you think you'll be getting off today?

    And the number one thing that sounds dirty at THE OFFICE, but isn't:
    It's not fair ... I do all the work while she just sits there!!!

    Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in LAW, but aren't:
    Have you looked through her briefs?
    He is one hard judge!
    Counselor, lets do it in chambers.
    His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
    Is it a penal offense?
    Better leave the hand-cuffs on.
    For $200 an hour, she better be good!!!
    Can you get him to drop his suit?
    The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

    And the number one thing that sounds dirty in LAW, but isn't:
    Think you can get me off ???

    Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in GOLF, but aren't:
    Nuts ... my shaft is bent.
    After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
    You really whacked the hell outta that sucker.
    Look at the size of his putter.
    Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
    Mind if I join your threesome?
    Stand with your back turned and drop it.
    My hands are so sweaty, I can't get a good grip.
    Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

    And the number one thing that sounds dirty in GOLF, but isn't:
    Hold up ... I need to wash my balls!!!

  2. #32
    S10Less bigbadrat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    that was a good one.i really like what judge 3 had to say.:bigthumb:
    Originally posted by Tony SS 350
    back to being the dick head you all have come to know and love.

  3. #33
    Slow Ride

    Candy Bars

    It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk of a Million Dollar Bar?"

    Well, she immediately went down my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snickers and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit
    Kat and she started to scream, "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!".

    Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was in to M&M, but I said, "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I then said, "Look you little Reece Piece, don't be a zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O' Honey?"

    What a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too. She screamed "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

    Well, I was givin' it too her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of sudden.... my Starburst. Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped .. Baby Ruth!

  4. #34
    Slow Ride
    How Do These People Survive?

    Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", the teenager at the counter said. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
    "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
    "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

    The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the Divider looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me “Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....

    A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it our very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
    "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
    "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.

    Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
    One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
    "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
    "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
    With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

    I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

    Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

    My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

    I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

    Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
    "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

  5. #35
    Slow Ride

    60 above
    Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
    Wisconsin people sunbathe.

    50 above
    New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
    Wisconsin people plant gardens.

    40 above
    Italian cars won't start.
    Wisconsin people drive with the windows down.

    32 above
    Distilled water freezes.
    Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

    20 above
    Californians shiver uncontrollably.
    Wisconsin people have the last cookout before it
    gets cold.

    15 above
    New York landlords finally turn on the heat.
    Wisconsin people throw on a sweatshirt.

    0 -
    Californians fly away to Mexico.
    Wisconsin people lick a flagpole.

    20 below
    People in Miami cease to exist.
    Wisconsin people get out their winter coats.

    40 below
    Hollywood disintegrates.
    Wisconsin's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

    60 below
    Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
    Wisconsin's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

    80 below
    Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
    Wisconsin people rent some videos.

    100 below
    Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
    Wisconsin people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

    297 below
    Microbial life survives on dairy products.
    Wisconsin cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

    460 below
    ALL atomic motion stops.
    Wisconsin people start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

    500 below
    Hell freezes over.
    The Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl.

  6. #36
    Creative Genius
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    CHILI ONE WINS IT HANDS DOWN! I just read it, it's 1 am and i was laughing so hard my parents woke up upstairs... my God thats fucking hilarious!

  7. #37
    S10Less bigbadrat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    These aliens land in the Desert and they get out of their space craft and meet up with a large rock. The first alien says " take me to your leader or I'll destroy you". Of course the rock says nothing and the alien proceeds to take out his phaser and blast the rock into pieces.

    They proceed through the desert when they meet up with a cactus. Again the first alien says " take me to your leader or I'll destroy you". Again no reply and the cactus is destroyed. Next they notice lights off in the distance. They walk towards the light and arrive at a gas station. Once again the first alien walks up to the gas pump and says "take me to your leader or I'll destroy you". The second alien tells him " I don't think that would be such a good idea".

    Ignoring the second aliens comments the first alien pulls out his phaser and proceeds to blast the gas pump. This is proceeded by a large explosion sending the aliens flying back 1000 yards into the desert. The first alien shakes himself off and asks the second alien " How did you know not to mess with that one"?

    The second alien replies " anyone who can take his penis and wrap it around his body a couple of times and then stick it in his own mouth must be one bad mother.
    Originally posted by Tony SS 350
    back to being the dick head you all have come to know and love.

  8. #38
    Blazin no More Blazed's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    FSU...Tallahassee FL
    I guess im retarded but i dont find the chili one funny at all. I guess i gotta reread it.

  9. #39
    Slow Ride
    Cemetery Story

    On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

    He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one
    for me. One for you, one for me."

    He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."

    The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
    When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "

    The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

    They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

  10. #40
    S10Less bigbadrat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
    Originally posted by Tony SS 350
    back to being the dick head you all have come to know and love.

  11. #41
    16's or bust 91blazin2last's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    the chili one is a southern thing personally from texas it was frickin hilarious. tey are all frickin hilarious. and to the person who complained about race jokes, keep fuckin whining like a little fuckin girl bitch.

    refer to the sig. for mone.
    Originally posted by bigjsp

    Ba - bup - pa pa da dang ga dang dang yi dip ti ta dip - blue moon

    shoo be do wop!

    Just picture your grandparents "bumping uglies" in the back seat of a 57 chevy

  12. #42
    woo!! dancey dancey!! Boink's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Streator Illinois
    Originally posted by blazeboy206
    whose moderating this shit
    the moderators are moderating this shit.
    Im2Drunk2C: well bro i gotta run, work time
    Im2Drunk2C: later
    B o I k 2 0: alright
    B o I k 2 0: before you go tho
    B o I k 2 0: I love you
    Im2Drunk2C: awwww
    Im2Drunk2C: <3

  13. #43
    Registered User busted@ssdodge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    A man walked into a bar and saw a big stack of money sitting in front of the mirror. Puzeled he asked the bartender, "What the hell is the piule of money doing setting out like that?" the bartender replied, "Well it's cash pool for a bet thats going on." the man asked, "Well what all is involved in this bet?" The bartender said, "Well first you have to put $25 into the pool, then the bet consists of 3 parts. The first part is you have to beat that guy at the end of the bar up and break at least three of his bones." (the guy at the end of the bar was buff, big football guy that looked like he had never missed a day of working out in his life.) "Well I don't know if I can do that," he said, "Well whats the second part?" "Well the second pard is that there is a rotwiller in the back and he has a bad tooth so you have to go pull it, but be carefull because this rot has sent 25 guys to the hospital already and 3 of them have died," replied the bartender. the guy said, "Well I am not sure that I can do that." a few seconds went by "Well whats the third part of the bet," asked the man. "The third part of the bet is that there is a 65 year old wolman upstairs and she hasn't been with a man in 35 years so you have to make love with her," the bartender said. In disgust the man said, "I DONT KNOW IF I WANT TO DO THAT!!!!" Well about 30 minuits went by and about 4 shots of taquilla went down and the guy started to feel pretty dam good, so he took $25 dollars out of his wallet and slamed it down on the counter "I'm in." So he went down to the end of the bar and just KICKED the football players as, broke both of his leggs, broke his right arm in 5 different places, just a real mess. "Thats 1," said the bartender. The guy walked oyt the back door and all you could hear was barking then the rotwhiller started to yap and howl and whine and cry and mope he was just making the most horable racket you have ever heard. The man walks back inot the bar covered,drenched head to toe in blood, staggering over to the bartender and waivering his finger at the bartender and said, "NOW where is this 65 year old woman with the bad tooth?"
    SHOCKS are for COCKS........ SWITCHES get da BITCHES

    []> [] []\/[] []> []) //-\\ []) []) `//

  14. #44
    Registered User typhoon_85's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Drivers Hatch.
    Extremely funny fellas keep up the good work on finding the funniest most hilarious jokes of all time i love them
    "If you spend your life wishing you were somebody else, you will lose the person you truly are." Kurt Cobain

  15. #45
    Registered User busted@ssdodge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    How can you tell that a Blond has been in your truck?...... The gear shifter is all slimy.
    SHOCKS are for COCKS........ SWITCHES get da BITCHES

    []> [] []\/[] []> []) //-\\ []) []) `//

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